Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
