...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
what day is it and did you see me today?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
