Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
What did we do last night that was yellow?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
