Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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