she kept yelling 'call me bella'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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