She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
