What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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