They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize