does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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