i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
please don't ironically join a cult
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