just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If I die, sorry about rent.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
