she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
