Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
