i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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