Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
