just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
