Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
