shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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