Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
