I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
