is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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