Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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