imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Watching her eat just hurts me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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