at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
