I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
