I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
