first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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