I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
