Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
