I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize