I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize