Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
