She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
