U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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