Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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