finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
