Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
