y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
