That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
