she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
