I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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