It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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