??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
