I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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