Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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