Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
