mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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