She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
