my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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