You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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