She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
