we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
