Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize