What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
