is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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