I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
