My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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