He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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