i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We need to get me chipped asap
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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