So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
