no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
