Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
