sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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