i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
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